Unknown.

adjective

Not known or familiar

Have you ever stopped to wonder whether people really know you?

I think a lot. My internal world is full of unanswered questions, possibilities and basically a lot of abstract topics and ideas that go way beyond my own personal existence. Yet, the majority of people who know me, don’t know most of the thoughts that I have. They actually don’t know me at all.

I seem private, aloof, shy and probably quite dull. If I allow myself to feel comfortable enough to open up to you I might share some of the thoughts I have, but I probably won’t. Without sounded like a cliche, I am not just a thinker but a deep thinker. I need a lot of time to think through something before coming to any working conclusions or the ability to say them aloud. If I do, then what I say is more likely pondering than how I really feel.

I need forms of escaping reality in my life as without them, apathy would take over. When you become apathetic, you seize to think in any good or even neutral future possibilities because you stop caring about the things that normally matter to you. You get stuck in the same habits and stop growing. What’s the point of trying when all you feel is numb and empty? So yes, escapism is very important to me. Most people have no idea how important my interests in music, nature and creating things are to my sanity.

When I am surrounded by people who I see often, I see that they don’t know me. It takes a great deal out of me to engage in small talk and once my energy tank for this has depleted, I can’t even fake it anymore. People think this means I don’t like them or am just too quiet and in most cases, sadly, this is the truth. I connect more with older people or more rational people who share my interests but I take no part in choosing to be this way. I cannot help it. Yet I have to deal with the nuisance feelings of being misunderstood and you may even say, lonely.

You may have figured out that it takes a lot of time for me to open up. My partner said it took 8 years and even now I’m still not very open. I see many of my feelings as fleeting yet I suppress them often and fail to regulate them healthily. If only I’d open up a bit more, I’d be able to regulate them better because speaking about them helps not just to get through them but to actually connect with someone. However, doing so can make me feel incredibly vulnerable and uncomfortable and I don’t want to have to deal with those feelings too. I also need to do a lot of thinking to even understand the words I need to describe them. I guess this leaves me with the sickening label ‘emotionally unavailable.’

I don’t have many friends, at least none I see often, because I have a need to spend a good amount of time alone learning, processing and escaping. I also feel very different from most people and so I’m not easily liked.Yet, I would be lying to say I didn’t need people at all. If I was no use to anyone I’d probably cease to exist.

If I do make a close connection with you because I both respect you and enjoy conversing with you, you may see both my serious side and my silly side. I might even gain energy around you, rather than losing it. You may even feel you know me better than most. Yet, you won’t really know me. The only person who will know me the most is the one writing this post.

Thanks to the existence of the internet, I know I’m not alone in this thinking. Others have put into words how I feel better than I could myself and if I can help someone feel less alone then I’m willing to be vulnerable here, even if it brings me some discomfort.